That Was Then...

...this is NOW.

That was two years ago.

Today? Well, I'm on my way. The title of this blog says "The year…," as if I could do it in just one. But no, life doesn't work like that. Baby steps. Progress. It's a PROCESS. You don't just click your heels and get to go home. Nope. You have to crawl through some muck and claw your way up a few hills before you even get a clear view of which direction you're even supposed to be going in…

And even then, well, shit, you never know.

Today: it's also around my birthday, give or take a few days. Two years later. I'm somewhere around 35 years old. Getting better? Yup. Am I there yet? Not a chance. But what is "there" anyway? Personally, I don't think it exists. I'm HERE, and that's good for me, for right now. That's something that I'm learning. It has to be. Good. For Now. That doesn't mean to be satisfied and stop progressing. Just the opposite, in fact. But what it does mean is to enjoy the process as it's happening, to breathe, to take in the moments. I could spend my whole life wishing I was somewhere else, and then, when it was finally time for me to leave, wishing I was back in any of those moments I wasn't even aware of at the time…

So why am I writing this as a blog? A couple of reasons. One: it's good for me to write about what I'm going through. I helps me to organize my thoughts. To clarify things. Two: Who knows, maybe there are some other people out there who are also tired of running. Maybe hearing my story will help them (you?). Surely I'm not the only person in the world who is going through these things. Just knowing that helps. Three: For reasons I can't even think of yet. Just to set this ball in motion undoubtedly will have consequences that will surprise me. Just wait. We'll see.

This is for you and me. The few of us who have (and are) fucked up. Who have made a series of bad decisions, one leading into another. Or, worse off, and this is I think my biggest mistake/lesson, NOT MADE ANY DECISIONS AT ALL. In a number of ways, I feel I have simply let my life happen TO me. And, in that regard, I know I must get more involved if I'm going to make it into anything resembling what I think it can be. There are a million reasons why… depression, feelings of powerlessness, poverty, emotional immaturity, the list goes on. No more excuses. I'm no longer interested in talking about why my life is the way it is, about the outside forces that have put me where I am. No, I am interested in thinking about, talking about, and acting on the forces inside of me that can make changes in my life. I am interested in making decisions. And acting on them.

I'm in a bit of a ramble right now, but it's late, and I'm tired.

I'll write more later, as I'd like to break down a lot of the specific problems I am dealing with in my life, and also a number of the specific personal issues that I have to find solutions for as well. This is, and will continue to be, quite the process for me.

I'm just happy that I stopped running.

Once you turn to face them, the monsters are never as big as you thought they were.