The Economy of the Heart...

"Forgiveness is the economy of the heart.…forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits."
– Hannah More

On Sunday I met up with the girl who I was seeing for the better part of last year. We broke up at the end of November. Raw deal.

The whole first year I had in Vancouver was pretty tough, in a lot of ways. I went through a few different jobs - looking for the right fit - plus had some very lean times when I wasn't able to find work at all. Stayed with friends, couch-surfed at my brother's place off and on, sub-letted a room for a few months at another friend's place, house-sat at my cousin's while they were away, then finally settled into a place I'm hoping I will be able to call home for a while.

The stress of being broke, having no job, or a bad job, and still being broke, coupled with working the crazy late night hours of bartending (something I swore I would never do again, but had no real alternative), led me back down a dark path toward a pretty serious depressive state.

I was really in no place last year to even think it was a good idea to begin a new relationship with somebody. Still, I met a girl, and I liked her, so you know how those things go...

Right from the start we got along, and had easy conversation, but I think pretty quickly it was apparent that there was a bit of a disconnect. I think we did genuinely dig each other, so we gave it some time. Looking back, I think instead of coming together, we were circling around each other, and things like that can go on forever. Where I was, in my own head, I was so distracted and fatigued and withdrawn, it was really impossible to let go and be myself and be present in the moments and experience the joy that can be spending time with a new soul.

Plus, there were some lifestyle differences. Me: the (almost literally) starving artist. Her: Doctor. At one point, when discussing the possibility of a future together, she said "I just don't want to end up having to take care of us." Sharper words have never pierced by heart, though I know they were not intended as weapons, she was just speaking the truth.

Truth is, she met me at a bad time in my life. Transition. DOWN time. And by DOWN, I mean way down there in that hole that only those who have been there know about. That dark place that shuts you off from the sunshine and from love and from being open to the world and the people in it.

I'm saddened about her and I. I really liked her, and I was hoping we had a bit more time to dance around each other just a little bit more, to see if we were going to come together. I thought we were.

She never got to meet "me," as "me" was lost for a bit while Ryan simply survived day-to-day and waited out the storm until things settled down and I could be where I am now, in a new place, on slightly more stable ground, a foundation from which to springboard into this new life that I am discovering and building for myself. She never got to meet the Ryan that is happy, creative, loving, appreciative, inspired, supportive, and open to the Universe and all of its wonder.

And I never got to really meet the true "her," as I was so lost in the shadows and under the clouds, that it was impossible to see her clearly. I only caught a few glimpses of who she really is, but even in that cold and grey world I was trapped in for a while, I saw enough light and felt enough warmth, that I knew once the warm winds came and the darkness was forced to move on, that there was somebody special standing in front of me.

Sadly, she didn't have any more time, and made her decision to end our circling and walk away. I am living with it, moving on, and letting go. It was tough for a while - it always is - but that is life. I've been here before, and who knows how many times I'll have to come back here.

I'm learning though, about that "hole," about the darkness. About the places my mind and body go to. I don't fully understand yet, these things, why it happens, not entirely. I know it can be seasonal, and I know certain stresses can trigger certain reactions, which can spiral into certain patterns of withdrawal and non-function. I'm learning about these things, and I'm getting better at accepting them, and learning how to not let them take over.

So yeah, there we were, on Sunday, two americanos in hand, sunny day, walking along the seawall.

It was tough to see her. I was hurt for a while, confused, angry, resentful, dejected. Seeing her again brought to the surface some of the pain that I had thought I had gotten pretty close to forgetting about, but along with that was a forgiveness, and a knowledge of a true loving kindness that we are able to give to each other. To be able to walk away from each other with smiles on our faces (and some tears, I won't lie), and a genuine warmth, well, that sure feels better than any of the bitterness that might have wormed its way under each of our skins.

I wish you the best my girl, have a long and happy life.